There I was, in the learning support room at college, discussing various issues with my friend. He then brings up the topic of Bill English, the leader of the National party. We discuss how his name sounds so generic, like a british superhero and he brings up the topic of his pizza. I was blissfully unaware of the topic at hand, then my world was shattered. He talks about him putting about spaghetti on pizza. I think this is a joke, spaghetti? How ridiculous, no one could (or would) ever do such a thing. I was wrong, as I looked it up on google my eyes was confronted with an evil Lovecraftian in nature; something so wrong, so not of this world and alien that I was on the brink of insanity even viewing its horrific form.
I was shocked on where to begin on this topic, do I start with how it is an affront to Pizza? To Italy? To Cuisine in general? What about the mad mind of a man who would even construct such a monster, and dare share this dark evil sorcery with the earth. What of the punishment for such a, such a creature (for I think he may not be human) who would dare commit such an act of degeneracy. And of course how could our culture even allow such a thing, such a disgusting crime to exist? And how can we stop it?
We all love Pizza. Well most of us do, we love it so much we occasionally argue over it. What is the best? Can a pizza without cheese be worth anything? Should Pineapple (purge the heretics) even be allowed on it? Some of us would gladly become matrys for such contentious and important social issues. Some of us would gladly purge some heathens in persuit of such noble goals as the delicious crispy crust and delectable warm stringy cheese. Which is why this issue is so important to be discuss. We cannot allow this crime to continue.
This is an affront to so many things, the fact that someone would even dare mix such uncouth and clashing textures to together is awful. The fact that someone would even dare try mixing such flavours, and profane the delicate clash of flavours which work for normal pizza, but fail on a product such as this. Perhaps the most awful thing about this is the use of tinned spaghetti, at least if he used cooked, fresh spaghetti it could perhaps be pardoned, but he DARES to use cheap and soggy TINNED spaghetti, despite his other fine ingredients like ham and tomatoes.
This, of course, is also extremely insulting to the concept of multicultralism. This flies in the face of everything it stands for, and I would argue manages to kill it. The idea is great, is fantastic, but if it results with spaghettti pizza, it is not worth it. By so thoroughly ignore any sane reasoning such as, Why on earth would this work? Why would this taste good? Bill English single handedly destroys any pretentions to an idea such as multicultralism. He takes it to such a mad level, by putting one italian thing, with some kinda cheap knockoff not really italian but kinda is still thing, that any wish we could have to continue multicultural ideals, is pointless. Because at the end of the day, it results in people putting Spaghetti on Pizza, and I’m sorry but being able to go out and eat a curry is just not worth such a high price.
It’s not that these things my themselves are entirely bad, in fact as a kid I was guilty of consuming many a cans of delicious Watties Spaghetti, it is actually quite nice from what I remember. You just can’t combine them though, it is an affront to pizza, it would be like make a scotch egg but with fish and beer batter, I get your intent, yes they are both staples of a culture but you just can’t combine them, it is morally reprehensible.
Speaking of which, the morals of such an issue. Is it even right, morally or ethically to do such a thing? Can we, in good conscious, allow something like this to continue without punishment. Surely this sets a dangerous precident, because if we allow this to pass do we imply it is ok to combine foods in such a manner? We should stop something like this before it gets out of control, because it start with spaghetti on pizza. Then we get calimari cheeseburgers, sushi sausage rolls and will likely end with ice cream on steak. Which is just morally and physically disgusting.
Though perhaps Bill is in a way, a hero for bringing our attention to such important issues. Some people accuse him of deflecting the publics attention from something petty like NZ war crimes in Afghanistan, which is, I’m sorry, just a stupid claim. Even if it was true (which it isn’t) who cares? The potential breaking of international law (which again, never happened) is really a pointless topic in the face of a social issue such as this. For the death of a few people (HYPOTHETICALLY) is nothing compared to the long lasting effects of this. We need to bring these issues to the forefront of our society now, before they run out of control and degenerate us into a state where we start putting paprika on our toast.
Perhaps this is some complex satire or something so ironic that we can’t even comprehend it, perhaps it is just a man enjoying a meal. I doubt it though, this is a crime, plain and simple, we cannot allow this to continue. I urge you, with all your will, warn your friends of this man, of what he has done. We cannot allow a leader of a major political party to get away with such an act. He should be ousted and replaced with someone else, preferably a chef to make up for what Bill English did. If we don’t I fear of what will become of our nation if he wins the upcoming election.
I’m sorry for this garbage, I wrote it and it amused me and I just had to put it up.